Welcome to another week of The Sorting Hat, where we may not always agree, but the discussion is always a lot of fun. We’re still sorting all the major characters who make up the massive cast of HBO’s Game of Thrones (we’re in the home stretch, y’all — one more week after this). This week, we’re tackling Houses Martell and Baratheon, as well as the folks most recently seen in The Vale and The Riverlands. As a reminder, this series is only taking into account the characterizations from the show, which can sometimes contradict the books. If you’ve missed any of the earlier installments, now’s your chance to catch up on Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.
Please note that this post contains spoilers. Tread carefully if you have not seen all aired episodes through season 6 of Game of Thrones.
Sarah: My gut says Gryffindor.
Teija: I’m thinking Gryffindor, as well.
Lauren: Yeah, that’s where I was leaning too. I don’t think he’s a perfect fit, but there’s a lot of bravery and nobleness there.
Sarah: He is known for his fighting skills and being a great warrior, and that feels more Gryffindor to me than any other house.
Lauren: Also, he has a tendency for monologuing and not considering his surroundings… ahem
Teija: Yeah, way to make sure your opponent’s actually down, Oberyn.
Lauren: Ughhhhhh that scene, I just want to travel back and yell. MAYBE STAB HIM FIRST BEFORE THE MONOLOGUE!
Teija: He got so wrapped up in his vendetta that he didn’t actually finish it.
Sarah: Which is so Gryffindor. I just yelled, “that’s great kid, now don’t get cocky!” at that moment.
Lauren: Too late. Alas.
Teija: I think Ravenclaws and Slytherins would both make damned sure that the opponent is 100% down, and Hufflepuffs wouldn’t do vendettas.
Lauren: My gut says Ravenclaw?
Teija: I think Doran is a Ravenclaw.
Sarah: I agree with Ravenclaw there.
Teija: He was the level-headed one, in comparison to Oberyn.
Lauren: He’s very thoughtful. As in, he thinks through all his actions and does what makes sense, not what culture necessarily dictates.
Teija: I’m still sad we didn’t get more of Dr. Bashir.
Lauren: I know, I can’t not see Bashir. And it was truly unfortunate there was so little Doran. This show really did not know what to do with House Martell.
Teija: The whole of Dorne, really.
Lauren: But I think what we saw of him was very Ravenclaw.
Teija: Ellaria is a Slytherin.
Lauren: Totally Slytherin.
Sarah: She works as the perfect foil for Oberyn.
Lauren: Scheming, conniving, ambitious, angry Ellaria.
Teija: Ellaria and Oberyn together were great, he kept her in check and she complemented his bravado very well. And then she lost her checks and balances and has gone Full Power Play.
Lauren: It’s really true, too bad about all the horrible, horrible death. Now she’s playing with her Sand Snake Chess Pawns.
Teija: Yeah, that’s basically what they are.
Sarah: That’s basically the best description for them.
Teija: Personality? Psh. They’re just pieces she’s sliding around the map.
Lauren: She’s basically playing a game of Risk but just hasn’t told anyone else. More just like: “SURPRISE I WIN!” “Wait, I didn’t even know we were playi–” “TOO LATE, YOU LOSE!”
Sarah: Isn’t that how all Slytherins play games?
Lauren: Hey, I’ll at least let you know we’re PLAYING a game. It’s more fun to win when you can build up a sense of dread in your opponent.
Lauren: Yeah, he’s all about just charging into things.
Teija: “Someone kidnapped the girl I love so I’m going to start a war.”
Sarah: He’s so very Gryffindor.
Teija: “And then I’m gonna kill all the Targaryens, even the kids, because I AM THE KING!”
Lauren: Even “Look a boar, I’MMA GET IT!”
Sarah: He and Ned were the Sirius and James of their time.
Teija: Man, they really needed a Remus.
Sarah: They needed that balance, for sure.
Lauren: gagging noises
Lauren: (Show Stannis is THE WORST)
Teija: Ugh. I’m so mad though. TV SHOW STANNIS IS NOT THE SAME AS BOOK STANNIS. BOOK STANNIS WOULD. NEVER. !!!!!.
Lauren: Iiiiiiis Show Stannis Ravenclaw, though? He lets Melisandre do all his thinking for him.
Teija: He still retains the same “master strategist” characterization, though. Even on the show he was lauded as one of Westeros’s greatest military minds.
Lauren: Yeah that’s true, they just didn’t SHOW much of him thinking for himself.
Sarah: I think Show Stannis is still Ravenclaw, but one that has gone off the deep end.
Teija: Melisandre only really showed up at the end of his life, and he’d already established his own reputation. We just happened to only see that last bit.
Lauren: It was all “Melisandre says go here,” “Melisandre says do this,” “MELISANDRE SAYS BURN MY OWN KID.” STILL NOT OVER IT. NEVER OVER IT.
Teija: I’m still so cranky about this because in the books Stannis doesn’t care so much about what Melisandre says and it’s his WIFE that does all the crazy things Mel talks about.
Sarah: Book Stannis WAS GREAT.
Lauren: I think Show Stannis is like Laurel Lance, where they always MEANT to show him as more complex and intelligent than what they actually gave us. So I am happy to go with Writer Intent and put him in Ravenclaw.
Sarah: Yeah, I think it was the intent, even if it wasn’t executed properly.
Lauren: At least now he’s gone and can’t ruin things anymore. SO LONG, HOUSE BARATHEON.
Teija: POOR, SWEET, PRETTY RENLY.
Lauren: I think Renly is a Hufflepuff.
Sarah: Oh, Renly.
Lauren: I swear I don’t just say that about all the nice characters.
Teija: I’m thinking Gryffindor, a bit, because he’s all “I wanna be king!” and rushes in, even though he doesn’t really have what it takes to beat his brothers.
Sarah: I am also leaning more Gryffindor.
Lauren: That is true, but I think his motives are more because he feels like he can actually be a good and fair king.
Teija: He just happened to make the alliance with the Tyrells because Margaery wanted to be queen and found him to be easily manipulated.
Lauren: See, and I feel like the power grab was Margaery’s doing.
Teija: He was a Pawn in the Margaery Chess Set.
Lauren: She found someone easy to control with a powerful bloodline and moved him into a position of power.
Sarah: Okay, now that I am thinking about it, doesn’t he argue with Robert about how he glorifies war? That’s not a very Gryffindor trait.
Teija: …yeah you know what, he does.
Sarah: That’s far more Hufflepuff.
Lauren: Renly was like, “Yeah, I’ll go with this, because I really do think I could do some good in the world.”
Teija: He goes directly up against his two brothers about that stuff.
Lauren: I think Renly was a nice guy with a strong sense of fairness and decency who was made to believe that the world would be better if he was king, and so he went for it.
Teija: Now that I’m thinking more about it, I can see the “He’s a Hufflepuff in the hands of a very adept Slytherin” angle more than the “he’s a self-motivated Gryffindor” angle.
Lauren: This is my thinking. (RIP Renly, you were my favorite would-be king.)
Sarah: I think Renly would’ve been the best king, honestly.
Lauren: Especially with Margaery. They would’ve made a good team.
Sarah: Westeros Power Couple.
Teija: I just think that in Westeros someone like Renly actually GETTING to the throne…
Lauren: Okay, moving from my favorite Baratheon to my least favorite… Selyse.
Teija: UGH, SELYSE, SELYSE IS TERRIBLE.
Lauren: I don’t even want to put her in a house. She makes any house worse.
Teija: She’s also a fanatic consumed with Mel’s religion, so it’s hard to know her personality.
Lauren: Well, she’s easily manipulated, which I feel like is not inherently Ravenclaw or Slytherin.
Teija: She’s what happens when a normal house member becomes a Death Eater and does whatever Voldemort says. She’s either Gryffindor or Hufflepuff, the question is which.
Sarah: I do not like her at all.
Lauren: Yeah, I don’t like either of those options, either.
Teija: Selyse is the WORST.
Sarah: I don’t like any of the options, really.
Lauren: And I mean she COULD be a Slytherin or a Ravenclaw (death eaters, Quirrell), it’s just not a perfect fit.
Sarah: None of them are a perfect fit, so what would be the best (worst) fit?
Lauren: Quirrell was actually the character who was the most blind follower of Voldemort. Most of the Death Eaters thought they’d come into positions of power through Voldemort’s rise.
Sarah: I can see the argument that a weak-willed Hufflepuff would be the easiest to sway to a blind loyalty of a religion.
Lauren: But Quirrell was just, “Yup, sure, live on the back of my head, do what you need to do.”
Teija: Okay, here’s a thought. Gryffindors are the ‘leap before you look” type, yes?
Sarah: Yes, typically.
Teija: So would it not stand to reason then that someone who is already a leap-first look-later type and is also easily led by an outside force like Melisandre would be the kind of person who would get talked into burning their own child for someone’s benefit?
Lauren: I can see that logic.
Sarah: I am following that thought train.
Teija: It’s “burn child now, feel major regret later,” and she felt so awful that she killed herself. She did the thing without thinking, she just followed. Then when the consequences hit her, she couldn’t live with it.
Lauren: Yeah, that is a valid argument.
Sarah: I think she is a weak-willed Gryffindor who was easily taken advantage of, and she leapt into it without looking and majorly screwed up.
Teija: Yeah, that’s where I’m at. We ruled out Ravenclaw and Slytherin pretty easily, and then Hufflepuff may be where “the rest” go, but the whole Shireen thing just makes me go “there is no WAY a Hufflepuff would do this.” But the weak-willed Gryffindor… the Peter Pettigrew.
Lauren: Quirrell is my argument for Ravenclaw, but I agree Gryffindor is a better fit.
Lauren: sweet, innocent Shireen, who just wanted to be loved.
Teija: Awwww, Shireen! I would stick her in Ravenclaw, I think. She was so bright, so inquisitive.
Sarah: I think Ravenclaw is a good fit for her.
Lauren: Yeah, and she jumped at the chance to teach. I think there are also strong Hufflepuff characteristics there.
Sarah: I think there are too, but I think her curiosity and love of learning is a far more defining factor.
Lauren: She is so loyal and decent and wants to see the best in people.
Teija: I do think she’s a Ravenclaw. She wasn’t just a huge fan of learning herself, but she was also a big fan of teaching. She ENJOYED watching Davos learn. She came up with tests and challenges for him. Ugh, she should have been queen of everything LIKE BOOK STANNIS WANTED. (I miss you, Book Stannis.)
Sarah: SHIREEN/LYANNA 2016
Lauren: Even when they show her the worst, she gives them more and more chances.
Sarah: I think she is Ravenclaw with a strong Hufflepuff secondary.
Lauren: Yeah, I think she honestly could’ve worked in either house. I lean slightly more Puff, but if you’re both sold on Ravenclaw, I’ll concede.
Sarah: I am pretty sold on Ravenclaw for her.
Teija: I’m with Sarah on that one.
Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish
Lauren: (The hat screams before touching his head.)
Teija: That hat is like “SLYTHERIN!!!” when he walks in the room.
Lauren: No one is more manipulative or cunning or ambitious than him. Also he is DELUSIONAL, because he thinks he can actually win the Iron Throne. No one else thinks House Baelish is EVEN IN THE RUNNING, Littlefinger, yet you are certain you’re somehow going to win.
Teija: I think he’s convinced he can outlive everyone.
Sarah: I think he is still expecting to get to the throne through Sansa.
Lauren: True, but she’s wise to him. She knows what’s up. He tipped his hand and he shouldn’t have.
Sarah: She will beat him at his own game and it will be glorious. Slytherin against Slytherin in the ultimate battle of wits.
Teija: Lysa is… ugh. She’s paranoid and jealous.
Sarah: She is all of those things, yes. But I’m not sure what House that fits her into.
Teija: She showed a bit of cunning in getting Robin out of King’s Landing and back to the Eyrie immediately upon Jon Arryn’s death but I don’t remember if that was even touched on in the show.
Sarah: I don’t think that’s enough of a trait to put her in Slytherin, though. I am struggling with her.
Lauren: Slytherin doesn’t feel right.
Sarah: I can see levels of cunning, but I think it’s more paranoia and immediate reaction than it is calculating.
Teija: Yeah, she’s very reactionary. Is she another candidate for the Tower of Terror?
Teija: People are gonna think we have something against Gryffindor.
Lauren: I SWEAR we don’t!
Sarah: Gryffindor doesn’t feel quite right either, but I don’t see where else she would reasonably fit.
Lauren: Is she a Filch? Is she a Squib? Is she bitter that everyone has magic but her, and it’s made her super paranoid?
Teija: …I am willing to go there.
Lauren: I honestly am, too. Because of all the HP characters, the one she reminds me of most is Filch.
Sarah: I can totally see that.
Teija: That’s something I can see, too.
Lauren: Or Aunt Petunia, bitter and paranoid about her magical sister.
Sarah: That describes Catelyn and Lysa SO WELL.
Teija: IT DOES.
Lauren: Aunt Petunia was a muggle, but I think Lysa would be a squib, since House Tully is magical.
Lauren: So, if Lysa is a squib, is Robin a squib?
Sarah: I don’t think so.
Lauren: If he’s not a squib, WHAT IS HE? He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed…
Teija: Robin is overall a gentle kid who was raised so poorly that he’s not mature at all.
Lauren: He’s a little psychopath…
Sarah: He’s very easily manipilated as well. I think he’s a weak-willed Hufflepuff.
Teija: He’s super easily manipulated, but he’s got a nice heart under there, you can see it with Sansa especially because he likes her.
Lauren: With a penchant for murder?
Lauren: He really likes throwing people out that moon door.
Sarah: He’s a weak-willed Hufflepuff who Baelish got his hands on.
Teija: He likes throwing people out the moon door because his mom made it a game to him.
Lauren: But does he realize the consequences of throwing people out the moon door?
Sarah: I don’t think he actually does.
Teija: He’s too immature to know what that does, I think. I think his mother made it a game to amuse him.
Lauren: He is CLEARLY not bright, I’m not sure he recognizes how terrible that is.
Teija: She treated him like a tiny baby until she died, he was not raised with any sort of normalcy. He may look like a teenager but I would bet his mind is like that of a 6 year old.
Lauren: I think that is accurate.
Sarah: That feels about right.
Teija: And we didn’t get a whole lot of it but Sansa spends a lot of time with him in the books, and there at least he actually is a nice kid who just wasn’t given anything. Reinforcement, education, anything.
Lauren: There was a hint of that in the show. It came off creepy.
Teija: Yeah it did… it’s mostly his mom’s influence.
Lauren: But I would buy that was because he just has no social skills whatsoever.
Sarah: I’m still leaning Hufflepuff.
Teija: Lysa screwed that kid up. I think he’s a Hufflepuff with a scary squib mom.
Lauren: Hufflepuff is okay by me. I feel bad for some of the other Puffs.
Teija: If they’re kind to him, which Puffs tend to be anyway, he will be fine, and they will help him flourish despite his upbringing.
Sandor “The Hound” Clegane
Teija: THE HOUND IS… I actually kind of wanna say Ravenclaw.
Lauren: I think… Gryffindor.
Sarah: I think gryffindor, as well.
Teija: I’m thinking either Ravenclaw or Slytherin, actually.
Lauren: I think there are arguments for both, but I think all of what we saw in him in S6 was him working to fight hard against his nature, which was vengeance and brutality.
Teija: He’s very out for himself, but he’s willing to do whatever it takes to survive, and he is very thoughtful and determined.
Lauren: He recognizes those traits in himself and tried to change them, but I think that’s who he is underneath.
Teija: But was that his own nature, or was that how he was raised? He was brought up to be the brute squad and forced to be violent to survive against his own brother’s violence.
Lauren: I think he’s a WILY Gryffindor.
Sarah: Yes, I agree that his upbringing and his nature lend to a wily Gryffindor.
Teija: I think his brother’s definitely a Gryffindor, but I don’t know that HE is. He does a lot of thinking before doing, that’s why I’m hesitating.
Lauren: I think both, I think he is not a brash, rush-in-without thinking Gryffindor. But he still defaults to brute strength, and when he doesn’t, I think he has to actively talk himself out of it.
Teija: He doesn’t do things if they don’t benefit him somehow. If he’s Gryffindor, he’s VERY strong in Slytherin secondaries, and Ravenclaws, too.
Sarah: I would concede that, but I think Ravenclaw is lower down.
Lauren: I think he’s a Gryffindor closer to the Hermione end of the spectrum (but like… way more violent). One who thinks through their actions and considers the consequences but carries grudges and often relies on shows of strength to get their way.
Teija: I see it as Gryffindor, with Slytherin and then a Ravenclaw following. Like he’s well rounded in those 3.
Lauren: I do agree he has traits characteristic of all three houses, but Gryffindor gets my vote.
Teija: I’ll accept that.
Sarah: I’m good with Gryffindor.
Lauren: Someone I have far fewer opinions about.
Teija: Gryffindor. He has a built in revive-me-if-I-screw-up-and-die system.
Sarah: That’s my first instinct as well.
Teija: He is the guy who can literally be like “HEY GUYS LOAD ME UP IN THE TREBUCHET LET’S SEE WHAT HAPPENS” and not worry about it killing him. Permanently, anyway.
Lauren: Is that Gryffindor or Slytherin? He has the Westeros equivalent of Horcruxes.
Sarah: I think it’s more Gryffindor in the way it comes out.
Teija: I don’t think he engineered that, I think he lucked out in finding Thoros.
Sarah: I don’t think a Slytherin is that reckless, even with a horcrux.
Lauren: That is true.
Teija: If he’d figured it out on his own I’d lean more Slytherin, but if I remember correctly, they just kind of made a deal when they realized it would benefit them both to work together.
Lauren: Yeah, true.
Teija: He’s also very out-for-himself, leading the Brotherhood Without Banners.
Lauren: And his weird honor code feels Gryffindor. Like it only really makes sense to him, but he’ll stick by it.
Teija: Not quite Robin Hood, there.
Sarah: Which feels more Gryffindor.
Thoros of Myr
Lauren: I have literally zero opinions about Thoros.
Teija: He’s Beric’s Melisandre, though I don’t think he’s necessarily Slytherin just ’cause he shills for the Lord of Light.
Sarah: Does that make him Slytherin?
Lauren: He doesn’t seem like the same type of acolyte as Melisandre.
Teija: He has the know-how to revive Beric repeatedly, maybe he’s Ravenclaw. I mean Mel was like “not sure if I can do that, guys” and Thoros does it all the damn time.
Lauren: Perhaps, because even Melisandre was like “uhhhhh guys I don’t know how to do this.”
Sarah: It probably does take some measure of intelligence to do that repeatedly without royally screwing it up. No one wants a zombie Beric.
Lauren: I think Ravenclaw is a better fit than Slytherin.
Sarah: I agree.
Teija: Yeah, I think Ravenclaw’s a good fit.
Lauren: I’m ping-ponging between Gryffindor and Slytherin here.
Teija: Bronn is out for himself and cash, and will do whatever to stay alive and also get rich.
Sarah: Which feels way more Slytherin than Gryffindor, to me.
Teija: I’m leaning more Slytherin. I think if he were Gryffindor, he’d be dead by now.
Lauren: Agreed, but he’s not particularly calculating, and does tend to be like “I’mma do the thing.” He just always lives through it and seems to have almost fallen into his elevated rank.
Teija: He’s been in enough situations where he could have died if not for something.
Sarah: I think he thinks through things enough before he does the thing. Not a lot, but he does look before he leaps.
Teija: I think he thinks through just enough to keep from dying.
Lauren: He just attaches himself to whoever can benefit him the most.
Teija: Is that not cunning, in a way? “I will benefit the greatest with the least effort by attaching myself to X.”
Sarah: I think it is.
Lauren: I don’t know, I once again think of Hermione, who never acted without thought.
Teija: He’s like… sidekick-Slytherin.
Lauren: But I do agree the ambition and the leeching off powerful people feels more Slytherin.
Sarah: That’s what’s tipping me over.
Teija: I am thinking of Crabbe and Goyle, who don’t really DO anything, but gain prestige and power by hanging with Draco.
Lauren: That is true.
Sarah: Yup, that feels right.
Lauren: Okay, I’m good on Slytherin.
Brienne of Tarth
Lauren: BRIENNE OF TAAAAAAAARTH! (I had to shout her name like a battle cry.)
Teija: BRIENNE IS A HUFFLEPUFF!
Sarah: She is so very, very Hufflepuff.
Lauren: Bravest, strongest Hufflepuff ever.
Teija: LOOK AT HOW SHE DEVOTES HER SWORD TO PEOPLE AND DOES LITERALLY EVERYTHING SHE CAN TO FULFILL HER OATHS.
Sarah: No one better say anything about her housemates in her earshot, she will take them down.
Lauren: Also she has been motivated for MULTIPLE SEASONS NOW based on loyalty to someone who is dead.
Teija: THREE SEASONS LONGER THAN SHE ACTUALLY KNEW CATELYN.
Sarah: She is one of the very best people in Westeros.
Teija: She is pure and beautiful.
Lauren: She is one of the most fair and decent characters on the show.
Sarah: And she deserves the happiest of endings. (DO YOU HEAR ME, GRRM? SHAKES FIST)
Lauren: I love her so much.
Lauren: Last but… well, maybe least, we have Podrick Payne, who I think is also a Hufflepuff?
Sarah: I agree with that.
Teija: I think he is.
Sarah: Poor Podrick.
Teija: He and Brienne are the Puff Team.
Lauren: He’s shown a good, decent heart and no particular ambition or cunning or bravery. In another world, Pod would be a Hobbit.
Sarah: He’d be so happy as a Hobbit. Eating, drinking ale, and sitting around lazily in the garden.
Lauren: Like Samwell Tarly, he was born into the wrong universe.
Sarah: (I would want to be a Hobbit the most.)