The Sorting Hat: The Martian

Welcome to the second installation of The Sorting Hat! This series was originally created because we enjoy sorting characters from other franchises as if they were starting their first year at Hogwarts with our friends, and this time we had such a great conversation about it that we decided to just clean it up for posting and put it up as-is. Sometimes it’s easy to sort someone, and other times (as you’ll see below) it takes compromise and campaigning.

For this round of the Sorting Hat, we were joined by our dear friend Lauren, of The Housework Can Wait. She’s as big a fan of Andy Weir’s The Martian as we are, and we had a lot of fun sorting the Ares III crew together.


Melissa Lewis



Teija: For Lewis, I’m leaning Slytherin.

Sarah: I think she is absolutely Slytherin.

Lauren: Me too.

Verdict: Slytherin


Rick Martinez


Sarah: Martinez is a Gryffindor.

Lauren: I was going to put Martinez as a Hufflepuff.

Sarah: To pilot that ship, he’s got to be brave.

Lauren: No, he’s got to be smart. It only takes bravery if he’s scared to do it, which he’s not. Martinez has two priorities the whole story: family and friends. To me, that’s Hufflepuff.

Teija: I think bravery has to do with doing something against some kind of personal odds that would require you to “step up,” whether or not that is fear.

Lauren: How much bravery does it take to do something you’re not scared of, though? Martinez is military, and a pilot. The mission itself requires bravery, but his specific job of piloting the ship doesn’t.

Sarah: Right, but I think it does because he knows going into it that if he screws up, it kills everyone on board.

Teija: It’s his job and he loves it, so I don’t think it requires bravery or courage. He enjoys it, even if it’s challenging. I mean, at one point or another, they each have an “if this goes wrong, we all die” moment. They’re all exhibiting courage, I think the question is if that’s a defining trait, or just one of many?

Lauren: I think it’s just one of many. Like they’re all scientists, but not all Ravenclaw.

Teija: Yes. And to me, Martinez being so loyal and putting his friends and family first makes him a Hufflepuff.

Lauren: Same.

Sarah: I’ll concede.

Verdict: Hufflepuff


Beth Johanssen


Lauren: Johanssen is a Ravenclaw.

Teija: Yes, absolutely.

Sarah: Definitely a Ravenclaw.

Verdict: Ravenclaw


Chris Beck


Lauren: I think Beck is a quiet Gryffindor.

Sarah: Same.

Teija: I agree.

Verdict: Gryffindor


Alex Vogel


Lauren: Vogel and Watney are the tough nuts to crack.

Teija: I just think we didn’t get as much to work with for Vogel.

Sarah: I’m leaning towards Ravenclaw, just based on what we know.

Teija: Yeah, that or Hufflepuff. But probably Ravenclaw.

Lauren: Well, we know Vogel has five kids, that he’s German but is on a NASA mission, and that he’s willing to go along with this mission but wasn’t the first to volunteer. Which highlights loyalty and curiosity, but not bravery or recklessness. I lean Ravenclaw for Vogel, with a strong Hufflepuff secondary.

Verdict: Ravenclaw


Mark Watney


Teija: Watney, damn. Hard nut to crack, indeed. We know he exhibits traits from all the houses. Lots of Slytherin tones, plenty of Ravenclaw, plenty of Gryffindor. Maybe not so much of Hufflepuff.

Sarah: I’m leaning Slytherin for Watney too, or Gryffindor, though I acknowledge his intelligence.

Lauren: I’m leaning Ravenclaw, actually, even though he has strong tendencies toward the others, because of his instinct to work the problem under pressure. Sytherin is a strong possibility, but I think Mark’s first instinct in a survival situation is to approach a problem with logic, not emotion. That is Ravenclaw.

Teija: Hmm, that is true. “I’m going to science the shit out of this” is definitely a Ravenclaw thing to say.

Sarah: It is. But I also think his tendency to say, “Screw you, NASA,” leans a bit toward Slytherin. A true Ravenclaw would be open to all resources and suggestions.

Teija: Not if they thought they knew better, though, which Watney does. The fact that he figured it out on his own and got exasperated when NASA started insisting he slow down and explain every little thing is pretty Ravenclaw, too.

Lauren: Yeah, I think a Slytherin would be a little quicker to point fingers away from himself. He’s just a very brave, very funny Ravenclaw.

Teija: I like it.

Sarah: Me too.

Verdict: Ravenclaw


If you’re hungry for more of our opinions on The Martian, head over to Lauren’s film review on The Housework Can Wait!

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