Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock or just avoiding the internet entirely (not that we blame you for that recently), then you are well aware that Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life, the followup miniseries to the hit TV show, hits Netflix this Friday.
The three of us at Avenging Force are EXCITED about this and to channel that excitement, we’ve sorted the core cast of the show into their appropriate Hogwarts Houses.
Lauren: Ravenclaw, yes? What with her million and five pros and cons lists?
Sarah: Yeah, I think Ravenclaw is definitely her most defining… But she’s just so whiny I’m not sure I want her in our common room.
Lauren: DO YOU REALIZE WHO I HAVE TO SHARE A COMMON ROOM WITH!?
Sarah: I KNOW AND I’M SORRY. She’s definitely not Gryffindor.
Teija: I mean… I see Ravenclaw as the easy answer for her, but she is definitely a weak-willed and prone-to-giving-up Ravenclaw.
Sarah: Ravenclaws aren’t known for their strong will, though.
Teija: I know, I’m just saying she’s a miserable and pathetic Ravenclaw and would likely be shunned by the others for being a whiny baby.
Sarah: Oh, I am not arguing that at all.
Teija: She can still be a Ravenclaw.
Sarah: None of the others fit.
Lauren: I say Gryffindor.
Teija: I’m thinking Gryffindor, too.
Sarah: I agree. She’s strong willed, stubborn, and prone to acting without thinking.
Lauren: She keeps going when everything is against her, but consistently leaps before she looks.
Teija: She left her home and struck out on her own rather than live in a way she didn’t want to live. That takes bravery, especially when you’re teenaged and pregnant.
Teija: Plus, I think putting herself through business school and opening an Inn all takes a good bit of Gryffindor-ness as well. That grit-your-teeth-and-go thing.
Sarah: She absolutely has drive.
Lauren: All of her major life decisions were these huge leaps of faith, from moving out of her parents’ house to starting her own business to every major milestone in her love life.
Teija: Yeah, she’s definitely a go-with-your-gut leap-of-faith kind of person.
Sarah: And don’t think about the consequences.
Teija: Yeah, she never really seems to, does she? Or have plans for if things don’t work out.
Sarah: Because she’s stubborn, she just assumes that they will.
Lauren: Emily is a shrewd Slytherin if I ever saw one.
Sarah: Oh man, no argument here.
Teija: I can see Slytherin for her.
Lauren: She keeps her ear to the ground and pounces on anything she can use to her advantage.
Sarah: She’s cunning, she takes the upper hand in the situation, and she is always evaluating everything around her.
Teija: She is shrewd and calculating.
Lauren: She doesn’t hesitate to turn any encounter into a negotiation.
Sarah: Just look at how she talked Lorelai into Friday night dinners. She saw an opening and she took it.
Teija: And she often knows how to win those negotiations, too. She’s very good at making sure she’s in control of a situation. I mean, look at what happens on the rare occasion that she DOESN’T have control, she gets panicky.
Lauren: You know, sorting the Gilmore women into Hogwarts houses makes it very clear why they had trouble getting along.
Teija: It really does.
Sarah: You are not wrong. They don’t understand the other’s motivations for anything.
Lauren: Nope, their brains are very different.
Teija: Emily’s calculating and thoughtful, where Lorelai just goes “It’ll be fine.” But both are SUPER STUBBORN.
Lauren: “How?” “I DON’T KNOW, BECAUSE I WILL IT TO BE FINE.”
Teija: I think he’s Ravenclaw.
Lauren: I was waffling between Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff.
Sarah: I’m almost tempted to say Hufflepuff.
Teija: He was always the wise go-to guy when others needed help, he was a fantastic businessman, and Rory takes after him so strongly.
Sarah: From a business standpoint, I absolutely see Ravenclaw.
Teija: I mean, remember how every time Rory would show interest in something, he would go on and on about that thing’s history and how it was fascinating?
Sarah: I think I’m leaning ‘Puff based on how he is with his relationship to Emily, but Ravenclaws and Slytherins can have very strong, solid relationships, too.
Lauren: He’s very smart, but I feel like his core essence was about fairness, decency, and hard work.
Teija: I’m just thinking along the lines where he very often showed a very clear interest in knowledge and learning and encouraged that in others.
Sarah: Okay I agree with Lauren on this.
Lauren: I do agree he has a strong thirst for knowledge as well.
Sarah: But his underlying values are very hard work and decency focused.
Teija: I will agree that he does feel very strongly about decency and hard work.
Lauren: But I felt like his drive was more, “look at the things you can accomplish if you have the proper education,” which I think maybe comes back to hard work? More than knowledge for knowledge’s sake, which is where I feel is more where Rory was.
Sarah: Also, he generally played the peacemaker, which feels like a very Hufflepuff thing to do.
Teija: I am happy to put him in Hufflepuff, and acknowledge that he may have been one of those folks where the hat mentions “you’d do well in Ravenclaw, you know” as it sits on his head.
Lauren: Yeah I think we’re talking like, 92% Puff and 90% Ravenclaw here.
Teija: Yeah. Not quite a hatstall, but definitely a Hermione situation.
Teija: I think he’s Hufflepuff.
Sarah: I lean Hufflepuff for him as well.
Lauren: I can definitely see that more than the other three.
Sarah: He’s loyal, dependable, hardworking…
Lauren: Also a peacemaker.
Teija: He puts on a gruff face, but he is SUPER LOYAL, he definitely believes in hard work, he has a very strong sense of decency.
Sarah: I think his interactions with Jess showcase a lot of his Hufflepuffness.
Teija: Same with the things he does for Rory. He moves mountains for her.
Sarah: He won’t give up on his nephew, even when everyone else thinks he should.
Teija: Also, think of how devoted he is to that store of his because it was his father’s. That’s his motivation for keeping it open all that time. It belonged to his dad and that means something to him.
Sarah: And how hard he works to maintain it. He also does a lot for the town without expecting anything in return.
Teija: Yeah, exactly.
Sarah: No praise, no acknowledgement. He does it because it’s the right thing to do.
Lauren: And he gets so frustrated with the people he cares about when he doesn’t think they’re looking at the big picture or considering others.
Teija: Yeah, definitely. His sense of right and wrong is super, duper well defined.
Lauren: Agreed, I’m very comfortable with Luke as a Hufflepuff.
Sarah: I think he fits very well there.
Teija: I think she’s a Slytherin.
Lauren: Oh, Paris. I think Slytherin as well.
Lauren: She’s so ambitious.
Teija: She is so shrewd and determined and calculating. She is the most ambitious.
Sarah: And she will step on anyone who is in her way, even if she cares about them.
Teija: Yeah she doesn’t really suffer fools… or obstacles.
Sarah: It’s not even a negative thing, she just won’t let people stand in her way.
Lauren: She’s been maneuvering her life onto her desired path since she was a kid.
Sarah: She has so much drive.
Teija: She really does.
Lauren: I feel like Lane is another Hufflepuff?
Sarah: I don’t know. I’m tempted to say Gryffindor for her. I think if she was more of a Hufflepuff, she wouldn’t have ended up joining a rock band totally against her mother’s wishes.
Teija: I think the case could be made for Gryffindor based on how she does things like joining a band despite her mother’s expectations for her.
Lauren: She tried so, so hard to walk the line between who she was and what she thought her mom needed her to be so as to not upset her. I feel like a Gryffindor might not have kept it up for as long as she did?
Sarah: I think they would have, growing up in the family situation she did.
Teija: However, I could also see the case made for Hufflepuff because she’s so loyal to Rory as a friend that she hangs around to the point that it’s probably detrimental, considering Rory stops paying attention to her in like season 5. Sticking around out of nostalgia or complacency may not necessarily classify as ‘loyalty’ though.
Lauren: Like yes, eventually she did have to stand up for herself, but she spent so long trying to be a peacemaker. Also, she sticks around with Rory way past when Rory stopped being a good friend.
Sarah: Yeah, but I think the hiding the CDs and clothing and makeup all point to the rebellious Gryffindor in her.
Teija: She lived a way cooler life right under her mother’s nose, that is true.
Lauren: I feel like she genuinely did not want to upset her mother.
Sarah: I think she was loyal to her mom because she’s family, but I don’t know if it means she has Hufflepuff tendencies.
Lauren: She was trying to figure out a way to be authentic without hurting her.
Sarah: I think she genuinely loves her mother and doesn’t want to upset her, but that her core nature is more Gryffindor.
Lauren: I’m saying that I feel like she was being truly empathetic to her mother’s perspective, even if she didn’t agree with it, and was doing her best not to “rebel” in a way that would hurt her.
Sarah: I agree with that, but I still think at her core she is more Gryffindor than Hufflepuff.
Teija: I’m thinking of Fred and George doing Weasley’s wizard wheezes under their mother’s nose and behind her back despite knowing she’d be upset.
Lauren: The difference to me there is that Fred and George were hiding because they didn’t want to get in trouble. I think there was an element of that with Lane, but I think it was really that she didn’t want to damage their relationship.
Teija: I think I’m leaning Gryffindor as well here.
Sarah: I think you can be an empathetic Gryffindor.
Lauren: I’ll concede since you guys outnumber me, but I’m firm on Hufflepuff.
Sookie St. James
Lauren: I sound like a broken record but Hufflepuff? (I apparently want to sort all of Stars Hollow into Hufflepuff.)
Teija: Yeah, I think she’s a good Puff candidate. I don’t see her as other houses, that’s why I’m saying Puff for her
Sarah: I think a lot of Stars Hollow residents are genuine Hufflepuffs.
Lauren: I feel like she’s such a people pleaser.
Sarah: She really is. And the food, she’s always feeding people.
Lauren: And she’s such a good friend.
Sarah: She is so loyal and supportive to Lorelai.
Lauren: Also, she puts up with so much from Jackson, and is so understanding and forgiving of him when he’s being a tool.
Sarah: She’s so kind and friendly to everyone. Hufflepuff seems like the right option for her.
Teija: She really puts up with so much from Jackson. I don’t even know how.
Lauren: Because you are not a Hufflepuff.
Lauren: Michel is tricky? Part of me wants to say SLYTHERIN, but only because he’s snarky and that’s where I automatically sort snark, but he doesn’t really exhibit much ambition or cunning.
Sarah: Hmmmm. Slytherin. I think Slytherin because of how devious he can be under the snark.
Lauren: How devious is he really though? I mean he manages the front desk. He has an attitude about it, but he does his job and hasn’t really shown much of a personal agenda. (I have no idea what house I’m arguing FOR, I just don’t feel like Slytherin truly fits?)
Teija: I think the only times we see Michel’s personality under the misanthropic facade he’s actually a softy? Like when he doesn’t want to let on that he misses working with Lorelai, and when you learn about his dogs, and so on.
Sarah: So when I say devious, I am mostly thinking of how he gets out of work, but that maybe feels more lazy.
Lauren: Compared to Emily, who is always seizing every opportunity to advance her own personal agenda and twisting things to her advantage, Michel is positively slothlike.
Sarah: That is true. I think lazy might be a better word for what I was intending. Maybe Hufflepuff? Since he doesn’t exhibit any of the key traits of the other houses.
Teija: He may be a “to Hufflepuff go the rest” kind of a Hufflepuff.
Lauren: Oh dear, is Michel “The Rest?”
Sarah: I think he might be!
Lauren: Poor Michel, I feel like he’d be so disgusted with that. Even though there is NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A PUFF, this is Michel. He thinks there’s something wrong with everything.
Sarah: I think that makes it fit even better.
Lauren: RIP Michel’s dignity. You are a badger now.
Sarah: Ohhh, Jess. Poor, broken Jess.
Lauren: I’m torn between immature Ravenclaw or bookish Gryffindor.
Sarah: I think a lot of what we saw with Jess was a front, but at his core I think he was a Gryffindor. I think he was stubborn and determined and put up with a lot of crap but didn’t let it get him down. It takes a lot of bravery to come back and admit that you were wrong.
Lauren: Oh yeah, I think he was really screwed up by his mom handing him off to Luke and he acted out a ton, but I don’t think that’s who he was deep down. On the one hand, I think he really did have an innate thirst for knowledge, but on the other he NEVER thought before he acted.
Sarah: I do too, but is that more or less than the not thinking before acting and being super stubborn and determined? I think the latter are more defining features for him.
Lauren: Well, except with his long game to win Rory from Dean. Actually… dangit, I’m complicating this for myself, because the whole thing with Dean was pure manipulation.
Sarah: Damnit, Jess.
Lauren: The blonde girlfriend, the basket thing, the way he’d talk to Rory when Dean was around, it was ALL completely calculated to drive a wedge between Dean and Rory.
Teija: I actually think he’s a Slytherin or a Ravenclaw, not a Gryffindor. He has definitely shown some seriously shrewd calculating thought, and when he wants something he finds a way to get it (even when that something is Rory).
Sarah: I can buy the argument for Slytherin, because I think his stubborn and determined attitude fit in there just as well. I definitely think more than Ravenclaw.
Lauren: That is true. I can be on board with brash Slytherin. There aren’t many of them, but Jess defies molds anyway.
Teija: Yeah, I think that fits him best.
Teija: Dean is a blast-ended skrewt.
Lauren: HAHA. Can I say Squib?
Sarah: Oh, Dean.
Lauren: Okay but seriously: DOES HE FIT ANYWHERE? He is not a Hufflepuff.
Sarah: Nope. If he was, he wouldn’t have cheated on his wife.
Lauren: He is not Slytherin.
Teija: He’s not a Ravenclaw.
Sarah: I don’t want to say Gryffindor because he’s never done a brave thing in his life. He’s complacent.
Teija: I mean, he does do things before thinking. He is very much a reactionary individual, which is what Jess used against him.
Lauren: Now, I wouldn’t say a Hufflepuff would never cheat. I think that oversimplifies things.
Sarah: No, not never.
Lauren: HOWEVER, I feel like the WAY Dean cheated is more the problem with Hufflepuff.
Teija: I could actually see him being in that side of Gryffindor where people don’t think before they do things and they react with emotions rather than logic.
Lauren: Yeah, I feel like Dean has the blind knee-jerk reaction thing that Gryffindors do, just not the backbone.
Sarah: Ugh, I think I can support that.
Teija: It’s not necessarily bravery alone that puts you in Gryffindor, Peter Pettigrew wasn’t brave, but he certainly had these other qualities.
Lauren: Very good point.
Teija: Dean’s an “I got mine” Gryffindor.
Sarah: He has all the negative quallities and none of the positive to balance it out.
Teija: Yep. Blast. Ended. Skrewt… in a Gryffindor tie, I suppose.
Lauren: Aw, poor Dean. I will say this for him. He was a really good first boyfriend for a girl like Rory.
Teija: NOWHERE TO GO BUT UP!
Lauren: Their relationship just lasted too long and he grew up to be a dumb-dumb.
Sarah: I think Dean was sweet and kind with Rory, but then he never grew up.
Teija: I actually identified a lot with Rory in that relationship. My HS sweetheart was the same hot-headed, jealous idiot type who was nice to me but not my friends.
Sarah: And no one wants to date a 15 year old boy for the rest of your life
Lauren: Nope. Poor Lindsey. Why did you marry that?
Teija: Worst. Husband. They never really made it clear why, either.
Sarah: He was not ready to be anyone’s husband.
Lauren: I feel like they were both settling, which is a recipe for disaster.
Teija: They didn’t show us Dean and Lindsey except to show us that Dean was married now. They didn’t show us why they married or liked each other. So all we ever saw was Dean using Lindsey as a prop to piss Rory off, and Lindsey being anxious about it (rightfully so).
Lauren: wrinkles nose What is the house for “spoiled brat”?
Lauren: Oh no, is he Draco?
Sarah: I THINK HE IS
Lauren: “MY FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS!”
Sarah: Actually, I think that’s an apt comparison.
Lauren: Okay, except Logan didn’t like his father.
Sarah: He has a lot of what he does because of his father. And neither did Draco, he was scared of him.
Teija: I don’t think Draco LIKES his dad either, he just throws his name around. “My father” this and “my father” that.
Lauren: Although, “daddy issues” is not a Slytherin trait.
Sarah: Haha no, it’s not.
Lauren: Also does Logan have ANY ambition? Other than “stay rich?”
Teija: He has ambition not to work.
Lauren: “Jump off cliffs?”
Teija: Ambition to be popular.
Lauren: Is he even cunning? His idea of shrewd is “I’ll make a call.”
Teija: He’s like the boy version of Regina George.
Sarah: I think he does have ambitions, they just aren’t the typical Slytherin ambitions.
Lauren: All his plans are right there for anyone to see. He’s not manipulating anything.
Sarah: “How can I get what I want while doing the least amount of work possible?”
Teija: Okay, here’s my question: how did Crabbe and Goyle get into Slytherin? Because they don’t have any of the traits we look at when we ascribe people homes in Slytherin house.
Lauren: Honestly? JKR wanted all the bad guys in Slytherin.
Sarah: JKR didn’t actually sort people correctly.
Lauren: I feel like they don’t actually make sense there given the house traits.
Teija: Well, here’s the thing. Slytherin’s part of the song in OotP actually specifically mentions that Slytherin wanted the purebloods.
Lauren: So you have to accept grandfathering is a thing.
Teija: Does that translate to Logan?
Sarah: I think Logan would fit.
Lauren: If we’re letting grandfathering be a thing, Mitchum would be a Slytherin.
Sarah: His dad is obviously a Slytherin.
Teija: Is him being “old rich” the same?
Lauren: Yeah, Old Money would probably be the GG version of “pureblood.”
Teija: Because there’s no “purebloods” in Ivy League Elite, really, except if you make it a metaphor for Old Money and people getting into school on legacy, which is totally Logan’s territory.
Lauren: Which, maybe that’s why Crabbe and Goyle are in there too. It’s literally their only defining characteristic.
Sarah: Which makes me feel comfortable putting him in Slytherin.
Teija: It is exactly why Crabbe and Goyle are in Slytherin, their families are purebloods and death eaters.
Lauren: Well, “pureblood” and “hungry.”
Teija: I think there’s an argument to be made that Logan Huntzberger is a Slytherin not for his own skills and traits, but because Slytherin prided himself on having a snooty blood-check to get into the house.
Sarah: I cannot find fault with that.
Lauren: Agreed. But can I keep Jess and Paris and Emily on the other side of the common room and not talk to Logan?
Jason “Digger” Stiles
Teija: I don’t knowwwwww where do you sort a man who teaches his dog to act like it’s not a real dog?
Lauren: Would Ravenclaw like him? Slytherin is full.
Lauren: I’m just deciding.
Sarah: I think that he’s a lot like Lorelai.
Lauren: That’s true, he is.
Sarah: I think he might be more Gryffindor that anything.
Teija: I mean. He is supposedly good at business? Evidently he is very good at dog training? He makes a lot of money and likes gadgets? And he seemed to like Lorelai just fine, when he showed emotion that wasn’t “suck up to your dad”? I just don’t know what this tells me.
Lauren: Yeah, you have to kind of filter out all the Old Money Privileged Attitude to get to his actual personality, but when you do, what’s left is just weird.
Sarah: I think that he is not cunning enough for Slytherin, or else he wouldn’t have gotten screwed over in that deal Richard made with his dad.
Teija: I feel like we have to rule the houses out, rather than stick him in one.
Sarah: His reaction to that was to sue Richard, so maybe Gryffindor?
Lauren: A Hufflepuff would not sue Richard, I don’t think.
Sarah: He does act brashly.
Teija: Yeah, a Gryffindor might sue Richard.
Lauren: Yeah, I feel like nothing is a GREAT fit, but Gryffindor feels more fitting than the others.
Sarah: And a Gryffindor doesn’t think through what suing HIS GIRLFRIEND’S FATHER might do to their relationship.
Teija: That was definitely not thought out. I’m ok with that.
Sarah: I think I’m most comfortable with Gryffindor.
Sarah: I say Ravenclaw.
Lauren: I also say Ravenclaw.
Lauren: Max was a very thinky boyfriend.
Sarah: And not because I love Max and want him in our house.
Lauren: Which is maybe one of the reasons he and Lorelai didn’t work. Lorelai does not like the thinking. She likes the talking and the doing.
Sarah: I mean, wasnt his proposal all about studying literature?
Teija: He was very thinky! And not to say that every teacher is a Ravenclaw, but he was very, very into the spreading and absorbing of knowledge even outside of the classroom.
Lauren: Hahaha in hindsight, a clear sign that they were not well suited.
Sarah: Well yes, fair point.
Lauren: CHRISTOPHER. STUPID CHRISTOPHER. (Sorry, Christopher ‘shippers… all three of you.)
Lauren: I don’t… even know where to put Christopher.
Sarah: He’s kinda just there with his poor choices.
Lauren: If anything (I hate to say this) but he’s kinda Logan-like?
Sarah: Old Money, floats on his dad’s reputation… I mean he was just going to go along with his parents wishes to have him marry Lorelai AT SIXTEEN.
Lauren: If Revival Logan is not creepily like Christopher, I will eat my hat. I’m not wearing a hat, but I’ll get one.
Sarah: He didn’t really stand up for what he wanted.
Lauren: Yeah, he was just kind of a pushover? Super wishy-washy as both a boyfriend and as a dad, both to Rory and to Gigi.
Sarah: Agreed. So, is he “old money” Slytherin or “to Hufflepuff go the rest,” I guess is the question. I’m leaning towards the latter because he is so wishy-washy.
Teija: Christopher’s old money, yes, but he’s also not riding on it.
Lauren: Yeah, true. I’m okay with him being “The Rest.”
Teija: He has business ventures and jobs that he tries to figure out. He’s “the rest,” I think.
Sarah: Oh, Kirk.
Lauren: Is Kirk just like… the weirdest Slytherin imaginable?
Sarah: What’s like the opposite of a Squib? Someone who is too weird and off the wall to fit into any Hogwarts house?
Lauren: He has dreams and goals and he does literally EVERY JOB IN TOWN to achieve them.
Sarah: Maybe he just has his own room in a random corridor.
Lauren: Is Kirk like an anthropomorphic Room of Requirement? He is whatever you need him to be and different every time you see him?
Sarah: …yes. Yes he is.
Teija: Uh. LOL. I’m sitting here like “what is in that castle that fits in all the houses?” and the only answer I have is The Sorting Hat. Is he the hat?
Sarah: Although, I kinda want steal Kirk fr the Ravenclaw common room. For entertainment and amusement.
Lauren: I mean, what were his defining personal characteristics?
Lauren: He had all the jobs, but that’s just his profession(s). He was an aspiring filmmaker.
Sarah: Exasperating Luke.
Lauren: So… artistic? He was an entrepreneur, which is a form of ambition and hard work. He was very hard working.
Teija: Well, okay, he’s creative (he makes movies), he likes to stay busy, he works very hard.
Lauren: He was extremely loyal to Lulu and to his friends. He did all sorts of things no-questions-asked because people he liked asked him to.
Sarah: He genuinely cares for people he considers friends.
Lauren: I… think he might be a Hufflepuff?
Sarah: I can get behind that.
Lauren: Like the very weirdest Hufflepuff?
Teija: He doesn’t seem to want to move UP at any of those jobs, he just does all of them. Like there’s no career path that seems to actually interest him, so I would call him hardworking, but not ambitious. I can get behind Hufflepuff for him.
Lauren: Yeah, hardworking, loyal, fair, decent, honest.
Sarah: A little bit (okay a lot bit) kooky.
Teija: Very involved, always there for everything. I feel like his loyalty is actually not just to people but to Stars Hollow itself.
Lauren: Agreed. He also has a willingness to pitch in, which feels very Puff.
Sarah: And he tends to follow others leads, which also feels more Hufflepuff. Like he doesnt move out of his mom’s house until someone he looks up to suggests it.
Lauren: True. I’m comfortable with Puff for him.