In Which Lauren & Sarah Reluctantly Watch “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice”

With Suicide Squad getting ready to release next month and DC dropping the trailers for both Wonder Woman and Justice League last week at Comic-Con, we (Sarah and Lauren) decided it was finally time to pull the trigger on Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice. While in theory we would be all about a new Batman and Superman movie that also introduces Wonder Woman and begins to set up the Justice League, both of us were pretty disappointed in 2013’s Man of Steel, so we’ve been resisting the sequel for a while. It didn’t help that nearly all the reviews we read for Dawn of Justice were less than glowing, and that it seemed pretty broadly disliked by critics and fans alike.

Ultimately, though, we were both intrigued enough by Batfleck and excited enough about DC’s upcoming slate of movies to finally sit down this weekend and watch the second installment in DC’s cinematic universe. Plus, we like to hold informed opinions, and it was beginning to bother us both that we hadn’t seen this movie that so divided the fandom.

However, since we were fully expecting a less-than-stellar movie, we did what we could to liven up the viewing experience by watching together (because bad movies are always better with friends), throwing in some wine, and writing down all our (occasionally confused, often distracted) thoughts.

So, for better or worse, what follows are our genuine, unfiltered reactions to the theatrical version of Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, a movie that is — to put it mildly — a really bizarre entry into the comic canon.

And in case it isn’t obvious: this post includes massive spoilers for both Man of Steel and Batman v. Superman. 

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Sarah: HI!

Lauren: HELLO

Sarah: Why yes internet, Lauren and I ARE chatting while sitting next to each other on the couch

Lauren: HI INTERNETS we’ve had some wine because that’s the only way we’re getting through this movie
(I haven’t seen it yet but I’m pretty sure this is true)

Sarah: I’m rooting for Batman, though I’m not sure that was even a question people had

Lauren: After Man of Steel I would root for a cardboard box over Superman
(For the record: I actually love Superman, just not the MoS version)
Here is what I remember from Man of Steel: Pa Kent says not to help anyone. He dies. Zod attacks. Superman throws a tantrum. MASS DESTRUCTION EVERYWHERE. Superman kills Zod. No kryptonite anywhere.
And now we are ready for Bats v. Supes.

Sarah: Here’s what I remember: Elliot from SVU and Gaeta from BSG
And Toby Zeigler

Lauren: BvS opens with the Wayne family going to see a movie and looking happy, which means they’re probably not seeing this movie

Sarah: I am SHOCKED that we are seeing the death of the Waynes. Again. For the billionth time.

Lauren: It’s like the death of Uncle Ben. Or a Lay’s potato chip. You can’t have just one.

Sarah: Oh my. That IS Jeffery Dean Morgan as Thomas Wayne
Hello Negan

Lauren: HOW DID I NOT KNOW HE WAS IN THIS MOVIE
I blame YOU internet
And also…me actively avoiding knowledge of this movie

Sarah: Aaand Lauren Cohan as Martha Wayne
That’s a pairing I never thought I’d see

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Lauren: Ewwwww Negan and Maggie
I don’t need that headcanon

Sarah: I also feel that it’s a requirement to have a scene where young Bruce is attacked by bats

Lauren: Wait
Why is Bruce flying
BRUCE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BAT, BVS

Sarah: Because he’s the bat man. duh.

Lauren: NO
I REJECT THIS OPENING

Sarah: I….no, he is ACTUALLY flying.
No

Lauren: BATMAN DOESN’T FLY

Sarah: OH IT’S A DREAM
THAT MAKES MORE SENSE
Sorta

Lauren: Zack Snyder credit, I made a nasty face, FTR

Sarah: In Batfleck’s first appearance he is wearing The Outfit, so he already has my vote

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Lauren: Grown-up Bruce sees Zod’s ship destroying Metropolis (/Gotham?) and I’m already on his side because MoS was horrible
Screw you, ending of MoS

Sarah: I thought we’d agreed never to revisit MoS ever again
Why is this happening, why are we back here in this black hole of terrible

Lauren: I’m happy to revisit it if it’s to shine a light on how much it sucks
I am Bruce Wayne’s righteous anger

Sarah: That really only needs a very tiny light

Lauren: ALSO I should state for the record that I am 100000000% here for Batfleck
I don’t even know what that number is but it is very large, like my affection for Batfleck without having seen this movie

Sarah: I am ALSO team Batfleck. And have been since the first announcement was made

Lauren: SAME
Who is this old man dying in Bruce’s building
And why does he have a Spy Communicator

Sarah: Batfleck has already won my affection by being so concerned for his employees

Lauren: Why is there a horse
So many questions already
Bruce Wayne has already shown more empathy for humanity than Clark did in ALL OF MOS

Sarah: Bruce Wayne has saved a child in the first five minutes and therefore has already done more for the human race than Superman did IN HIS ENTIRE MOVIE

Lauren: (Maybe soon I will stop complaining about MOS)
(BUT ALSO MAYBE NOT)

Sarah: Batfleck is hugging a child and my heart is melting

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Lauren: Ahhhhh yes, we are seeing Superman’s temper tantrum in which he LEVELED A CITY
Bruce is JUSTIFIABLY ANGRY ABOUT THIS

Sarah: We have now abruptly jumped from New York…I mean Metropolis to SOMEWHERE IN THE INDIAN OCEAN
FOR REASONS
APPARENTLY

Lauren: Is this guy on this random island supposed to remind me of Jorah Mormont because
HEY IS THAT KRYPTONITE
YAY WE REMEMBERED KRYPTONITE EXISTS

Sarah: Oh Hello Amy Adams, I’d almost forgotten that you were in MoS
And I was okay with that

Lauren: “I’m not a lady I’m a journalist” is this supposed to be tough because IIIIIIIIIII think you can be both?
ALL JOURNALISTS ARE GENDERLESS DRONES
How far are we into this movie and Lois has already been saved by a Heroic Man
Like…seven and a half minutes?

Sarah: “Saved”

Lauren: TOO LITTLE TOO LATE SUPES

Sarah: And less than a minute later she’s being saved by Superman
Lois is nothing but a damsel in distress and I am not on board with that

Lauren: Superman is allergic to smiling, smiling is for sissies, sissies who don’t level cities

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Sarah: Oh hey ElastiGirl, how’re you doing
Don’t you wish you could go out there and take care of things for these incompetent heroes

EG

Lauren:  “The world was so caught up in what they COULD do they forgot to ask what they SHOULD do” I think I have heard this before
Somewhere
Can’t put my finger on it
Rhymes maybe with Schmurassic Schmark

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Sarah: Lois likes to keep the bullets in her notebooks as a souvenir
Of the time she almost got shot but was saved by a man.
I mean men.

Lauren: “Dear diary, Today I almost got shot in the face but A Man saved me instead, BEST DAY EVER”
Clark literally just referred to Lois (to her face) as “the woman I love” instead of…yanno…Lois

Sarah: We almost just saw Amy Adams boobs. I feel like the internet needs to know that almost happened.

Lauren: Okay but fire and ice roses: good boyfriend gesture
Did. Did Clark just climb into the bathtub fully clothed. With his shoes on.
Did this just happen.
I’ve had some wine but not THAT much wine.
Clark those loafers are probably not waterproof.
Clark your leather jacket probably shouldn’t go in the tub, I don’t think you can fix it with your heat vision.
Clark I have so many questions.

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Sarah: So much dirt in that bathtub. Ew.
Oh but he took his jacket off
Because of course it would be silly to get in the tub with your jacket still on

Lauren: His glasses fell off, now she’ll KNOW
(wait does she know)
(I can’t remember)

Sarah: She knows.

Lauren: (okay Sarah says she knows FALSE ALARM)
(I’ve blocked out so much of Man of Steel, guys)

Sarah: (That’s a really valid life choice)
Since wheeeeeeen can Batman climb on walls

Lauren: Uhhhhhh did Bats tie a dude to his radiator for funsies
Where are his clothes
What…is happening

Sarah: If he had clothes on you wouldn’t be able to see the Bat-Brand. Obviously.

Lauren: “I will strip you so I can Bat-Brand you” STILL MAKES MORE SENSE THAN MAN OF STEEL

Sarah: Batfleck is still wearing The Outfit. He can do no wrong in my eyes now.

Lauren: crosses fingers I just need Jeremy Irons!Alfred to tell Bruce to BE PREPARED. Just once.

Sarah: Oh Jeremy Irons, I am FULLY PREPARED for you to be my very favorite thing about this movie
Because I love you and you can’t let me down.

Lauren: Wait “gods hurl thunderbolts” is this a Thor crossover because I don’t think you’re allowed to do that

Sarah: Superman can’t lift Mjölnir
I don’t think?

Lauren: THOSE EGGS ARE FAKE
I’D LIKE TO STATE FOR THE RECORD
MOST FAKE EGGS EVER
They’re trying to distract us with Henry Cavill’s shirtlessness but I SAW, BATMAN V SUPERMAN. I. SAW.
Hey it’s Jesse Eisenberry wait that’s not his name
Eisenberg
#nailedit

Sarah: There is a lot of Science happening on the screen right now and I’ve maybe had too much wine for that.
(I don’t Science)
(Where are my marvel Science Bros, I miss them)

Lauren: Eh, Lex Luthor is Lex Luthoring
With… a senator
For… reasons

Sarah: …that sounds dirty

Lauren: Lex Luthor is wearing a monkey t-shirt and a white blazer and why were these wardrobe choices made
Also why did they decide to keep his hair from American Ultra

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Sarah: Is it too early to reject this Lex Luthor and hope for Michael Rosenbaum instead?

Lauren: MICHAEL ROSENBAUM IS THE LUTHOR OF MY HEART

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(I do love Jesse Eisenberg though)

Sarah: I also love Jesse Eisenberg, I’m just not sure he was right for this role
I liked him better as a Stoner Sleeper Agent

Lauren: I would watch one hundred sequels to American Ultra
Get on it, Hollywood

Sarah: I loved that movie more than I thought I would. And I thought I’d love it a lot.

Lauren: Okay “False God” is by FAR not the worst thing that dude could have graffitied about Superman

Sarah: It’s also not entirely incorrect?

Lauren: I mean he could’ve gone with “MASS MURDERER”

Sarah: Also not entirely incorrect

Lauren: “OVERPOWERED MANCHILD PSYCHO”

Sarah: That is The Most Correct

Lauren: All the money at Lex Luthor’s disposal, you’d think he could’ve hired a fashion consultant. Or at least a tailor.
Nothing he is wearing fits or matches. He is like a 10-yo shopping at goodwill.

Sarah: Diiiiiiid they just slice off a dead bodies fingerprint with a laser?
Yes, yes I think that they did

Lauren: Why. Is he shoving. A Jolly rancher. In a man’s mouth.

Sarah: Apparently in his spare time Bruce Wayne likes to hang out at underground and possible illegal boxing matches
For Reasons

Lauren: Oh definitely illegal
You can tell because of the shady dude with the neck tattoo

Sarah: Neck tattoos are a definite indication of shadiness

Lauren: Heeeeey Bruce speaks…Russian? Is it Russian?

Sarah: Maybe he is a member of the Bratva with Oliver Queen

Lauren: Are we making the Russians villains again because…why not?
I’d like to have a talk with Clark about his corduroy jacket and how it is not 1997

Sarah: “The American Conscience died with Robert, Martin and John”
Possibly the best quote of the entire movie
I’m calling it now

Lauren: I really enjoy that Perry White calls Clark “Smallville”

Sarah: I bet the costuming department had fun with Lex Luthor
“DOES THIS MATCH?” WHO CARES!”
“THE TACKIER THE BETTER”
“Bonus points if it has monkeys”

Lauren: Whyyyyyy are we equating Superman to the British

Sarah: Because Hamilton. So hot right now.

Lauren:

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Bruce Wayne’s parents are in a mausoleum because this is secretly an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Wait the mausoleum is BLEEDING
IT REALLY IS AN EPISODE OF BUFFY
Oh wait no he’s dreaming again

Sarah: Why would you touch the Black ooze that is seeping out of your parents crypt?
EVEN IN A DREAM IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE

Lauren: THIS GUY IS A DOLL
/Dollhouse spoilers

Sarah: The guy is not a doll, he’s the handler. Maybe Lois is the doll.

Lauren: Season 2, baby

Sarah: I THINK I BLOCKED THAT
Oh my god, I did block that

Lauren: It’s okay, I’m here to remind you of all the random Dollhouse trivia you forgot
Does the “Haha joke’s on you Batman” mean he’s already encountered Jared Leto in this timeline
(P.S. I don’t even care how odd this movie is, I am pumped for Suicide Squad)

Sarah: I think it must?
If we’re at a library and we’re not getting Barbara Gordon, Librarian then I feel like I am getting robbed.

Lauren: FIRST WONDER WOMAN SIGHTING

Sarah: HELLO NURSE

Lauren: Since when is Alfred the kind of butler to wear a pinky ring

Sarah: Is it the Wayne signet?
Please tell me it’s the Wayne signet

Lauren: Iiiiiiiisn’t Bruce supposed to be suaver than this

Sarah: Bruce Wayne, awkwardly complimenting women’s shoes.

Lauren: “I like those shoes” awkward laugh

Sarah: Lex Luthor reeeealllly loves polka dots

Lauren: Why is Jesse Eisenberg playing Lex like he has tourettes

Sarah: Clark, you don’t really have any ground to stand on to criticize Batman.
At all.

Lauren: Bruce do you really have room to talk about “freaks dressed like clowns”

Sarah: Well, there’s the proof that he’s already met the Joker in this timeline.
I feel like the world is failing me that there aren’t more billionaires becoming superheroes in real life

Lauren: No one wants Donald Trump in tights

Sarah: (Internet, I just almost spit wine all over my computer at that comment)
Clark is apparently the savior to Insane Clown Posse Fans
All 3 of them that still exist

Lauren: 100000% over the Supes-As-Jesus imagery
Neil Degrasse Tyson how did they blackmail you into being in this movie

Sarah: Clark, your arms may be muscley but they are not Captain America’s level

helicopter

Lauren: ARE ANYONE’S THOUGH

Sarah: Maybe Thor’s?
(Oh wait, our Marvel love is showing again)

Lauren: Since when would Senator Holly Hunter be on Inside the Actor’s Studio

Sarah: Because she is Senator ElastiGirl
(Holly Hunter will forever be ElastiGirl in my eyes)

Lauren: Lex Luthor has… a sinister… hoveround?

Sarah: Lex Luthor has a sinister everything
cue that’s what she said joke

Lauren: Laurence Fishburne you’re better than this, let’s just all go watch The Matrix again

Sarah: Wonder Woman you can make anything look awesome, even this weird one sleeved sparkly dress
That would look ridiculous on literally any other human ever

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Lauren: What is happening with Gal Gadot’s dress
It looks kiiiiiind of ridiculous on her but I’m willing to overlook it

Sarah: It would look terrible on literally anyone else ever
Gal Gadot, I love you already.

Lauren: Uhhhhhh “to see you in that dress, 9/10 men wouldn’t let you get away with anything” is this supposed to be endearing cuuuuuuuz
Batfleck I’m on your team but don’t be creepy

Sarah: But he’s the 10th man Lauren. Which means he’s not creepy.
Or so we are supposed to believe

Lauren: Huh. Bat cowl + trenchcoat is an… interesting look

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Sarah: I’m not really feeling Batfleck in the desert. He should stick to cooler climates.

Lauren: I’m not really feeling Batfleck in a random coat OVER HIS BAT COSTUME
Were the costume designers for this movie very drunk

Sarah: I don’t know, are we drunk?

Lauren: Not drunk enough to put a trenchcoat on Batman
Or Lex Luthor in CONSTANT POLKA DOTS

Sarah: Batman has a “Nooooooo” that is very reminiscent of Luke Skywalker’s.
And that’s not a good thing.

Lauren: And he didn’t even lose a hand

Sarah: How else is batman supposed to go incognito if he doesn’t wear a trench coat?
I like how they string Batfleck up in chains, but keep his trenchcoat on
For style

Lauren: Why does Superman constantly look like he smelled a wet fart

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Sarah: This convoluted plot is super confusing to us

Lauren: Why is Superman so mad about Lois, Bruce didn’t do anything to Lois

Sarah: When did Batman take Superman’s world?
I don’t remember seeing that.
Also, is this the Flash from the future?

Lauren: Is that The Flash costume because if it is I don’t like it

Sarah: What is even happening here?
Why does the The Flash have a porno stache?

Lauren: Also how do I convince Future Barry to not grow that mustache
I don’t understand anything that just happened
I feel like I’ve been paying at least medium attention

Sarah: Soooooooo we time jumped back and forth? is that what just happened here?
I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING

Lauren: Who names their boat “White Portuguese”
Why is that even a Boat Name Option

Sarah: Whhhhhhhy Does Batfleck say his name like “Lex Luthoooor”? Why the wrong emphasis on the wrong syllable?

Lauren: “Alfred, count the dead. Thousands of people. What’s next? Millions?” I am no Math Expert but I think there are some numbers between thousands and millions

Sarah: That is generally how math works.
Probably even thousands of numbers

Lauren: I THINK YOU MAY BE RIGHT

Sarah: Oh we have reached the CAR CHASE portion of the movie
This is where Batfleck gets to show off the Batfleckmobile

Lauren: I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that despite the wines we have consumed, this movie makes no sense
I do like the Batfleckmobile though
I like how it is immune to machine guns and fire and hitting other cars

Sarah: It just drove THROUGH ANOTHER CAR and made it explode.

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Lauren: Because why not
hashtag Zack Snyder

Sarah: The Batfleck mobile just destroyed multiple boats and a rocket launcher
In one fell swoop

Lauren: So to recap Batfleckmobile just drove through some boats and also there is a rocket launcher THIS IS ALL TOTALLY REASONABLE

Sarah: Armor
It’s all in the armor baby

Lauren: Oh hey Supes are you here to ruin things
(probably)
(Zack Snyder Supes Ruins Everything)

Sarah: Wait, is that not his role in this movie?

Lauren: LIKE HE SMELLED A WET FART

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It’s like he went to the Robert Pattinson school of acting

Sarah: Superman, What makes you think you get to run all the things
You have literally proven to be TERRIBLE AT THAT

Lauren: I love how ridiculous the Batcave is in every iteration of Batman
THEY DEFINITELY JUST PLAYED THE BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES THEME
IT JUST HAPPENED
THERE IS NO WAY I AM WRONG ABOUT THIS

Sarah: IT WAS
(we checked)

Lauren:Every time Amy Adams appears in this movie I am surprised she is still here
Like that is how relevant Lois is to this plot
Remember at the end of Superman II when Superman returns the flag to the White House and all of America loves him because THIS MOVIE SURE DOESN’T

Sarah: That Superman was a good Superman
How dare you compare him to this Superman

Lauren: Scale of 1-10 Supes how silly do you feel walking into a Senate hearing wearing that

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Sarah: Are those thigh muscles real or just a sculpted suit?

Lauren: This is what technology has given us
Super Thighs

Sarah: I like that technology
Holly Hunter has lost her words

Lauren: IS THAT A JAR OF PEE

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why are there so many horses in this movie
Also WHY IS THERE A JAR OF PEE
WHY IS THAT A THING THAT IS IN THIS MOVIE

Sarah: Oh, and we just blew up the capitol
There is NO WAY that the bystanders RIGHT OUTSIDE THE CAPITOL would not have blown up too
NO WAY
That was a huge explosion

Lauren: Guys how does anyone watch this movie and not land firmly on Team Batfleck

Sarah: I do not know the answer to that

Lauren: “I’m afraid I didn’t see it because I wasn’t looking” Clark is this supposed to be profound or
Like I don’t see things I’m not looking at all the time

Sarah: Same
Because I do not have eyes in the back of my head

Lauren: I’d like to state for the record that the entire cast of this movie is better than this movie

Sarah: Did Zack Snyder brainwash them?

Lauren: EW GROSS I do not like wearing Zod’s lasered fingeprints like a glove, THAT IS NOT OKAY

Sarah: KNEEL BEFORE ZOD

SB

(Which is lost to this audience because Lauren has never seen Mallrats)

Lauren: Iiiiiiiiiis Lex Luthor going into Thor’s Magical Vision Pool, is that what’s happening here

Sarah: Batfleck is doing crossfit in his BatCave

Lauren: I don’t even care about the rest of this movie, I’m just so glad that we are finally introducing kryptonite into a Superman movie because THAT IS KIND OF IMPORTANT

Sarah: THIS IS IMPORTANT
BATFLECK HAS METAHUMAN FILES

Lauren: Wait is this ONE SCENE the entire set-up for Justice League
IS THIS ALL WE GET

Sarah: Yes, yes I believe that it is

Lauren: AND FROM THIS ONE RANDOM AND SPOTTY SCENE THEY ARE SPAWNING AN ENTIRE FRANCHISE
CHRIS PINE

Sarah: Heeellloooo Steve Trevor

Lauren: Ew why do we continue to mess with the corpse of Zod
Old Superman was not this creepy

Sarah: (And now we are both singing Hamilton)
(Because that’s what happens when someone says “flew too close to the sun” in a movie)

Lauren: Wait Lex Luthor is in a pool of weird fluid fully clothed because WEARING PANTS IN WATER IS APPARENTLY A THING IN THIS MOVIE
Although, to be fair, it would be really odd if Luthor was not wearing pants in that scene

Sarah: Is “SUPERDEATH” the best insult that sign maker could come up with?
Because, I feel like that’s an utter fail
Oh heeeeeeey Pa Kent, aren’t you dead?

Lauren: Go away Kevin Costner

Sarah: Go be dead
Like Uncle Ben
Uncle Ben stayed dead
ish

Lauren: Is Pa Kent going to give us another inspiring speech to go with “Don’t save people, just look out for yourself”
Perhaps something like “Punch puppies, drown kittens”
Why does Superman have to wear a knit hat in the cold
He doesn’t get cold
Is it FOR FASHION

Sarah: Jeremy Irons, I do love you
Even when you kill James Earl Jones and take over the pride lands.

Lauren: BE PREPAAAAAAARED
(just once, I just want you to say it once)

Sarah: I have literally been singing that in my head this whole time
He should be required to say it in every movie.

Lauren: WHY ARE BATFLECK’S EYES GLOWING

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WHY ARE YOU WEARING DOC MARTENS
WHY SO MANY THINGS

Sarah: What is this KRYTONITE SPEAR Batfleck is wielding?
WHAT IS HAPPENING

Lauren: Why do none of Lex Luthor’s clothes still fit

Sarah: THAT JANITOR IS NOT A JANITOR LOIS
WATCH OUT

Lauren: It’s neck tattoo IT’S NECK TATTOO
NECK TATTOO MEANS SHADY
(and also Russian)

Sarah: This is why I left swiped on anyone with a neck tattoo when I was on the Tinder

Lauren: Good call
PSA: MEN OF THE WORLD: Do not put your neck tattoo on your Tinder profile

Sarah: I would left swipe on Lex Luthor
And his ill-fitting clothes

Lauren: Because the hair right
The hair is a problem

Sarah: I liked the hair better in American Ultra
I liked all of Jesse Eisenberg better in American Ultra
This is what? The third? Fourth? fifth time Lois has been Saved by A Man in this ONE MOVIE

Lauren: I like how when Supes rescues his Lady Love he pauses to Stare Meaningfully Into Her Eyes before he saves her

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Sarah: I like how Lex Luthor carries an egg timer with him
Rather than, you know, using some sort of technology

Lauren: I like how I can just imagine that this is an extended trick in Now You See Me

Sarah: In his pajamas with a trench coat outfit he’s rocking?
I’m just imagining that he is on a secret mission for the CIA/FBI and this is a continuation from American Ultra
Any moment now Kristen Stewart will show up
Right?

Lauren: (Superman still smells a fart)
(in case you were wondering)

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(he has had literally zero other facial expressions thus far in this movie)

Sarah: Lex masterminding this feels so false, because I do not buy that this Lex is a criminal mastermind
He’s a crazy hipster with bad hair that sorta fell into owning his own corporation
And he shouldn’t know what to do at all

Lauren: I buy that he THINKS he is a criminal mastermind?
And also that he needs some therapy?

Sarah: ALL of the therapy

Lauren: Hahahaha RANDOM BRADY BUNCH JOKE because that’s not weird at all
Caaaaareful Lex, or Supes will have a temper tantrum and level a city because THAT’S WHAT HE DOES
Zack Snyder what is your deal with religious imagery/vocabulary because I think you maybe have some issues to work through

Sarah: Some issues?
We saw the Honest Trailer. We know how this goes.

Lauren: It’s all about the mommy issues.
This I know for sure.
Lois why do you like him
I mean I know what he looks like but really

Sarah: Dem Thighs?

Lauren: CHRIS PINE AGAIN

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Sarah: Heeeellooooooo Chris Pine
I’m so glad you joined this party
By photograph

Lauren: Wait this is not how email works
Why are they using their email like a chat
Is this score Hans Zimmer
Because it sounds like Pirates of the Caribbean

Sarah: It IS Hans Zimmer
The soundtrack is the best part of this movie

Lauren: MOMOA

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HEY
HEY MOMOA
MO
MO
AAAAAAAAA
Was that all the Aquaman I get because it was not enough

Sarah: Momoa is the reason I am HERE for Justice League

Lauren: (we keep rewinding because I’m not paying close enough attention)
(I got distracted by MOMOA)

Sarah: (I’m not either)

Lauren: Look there’s Barry

Sarah: Barry what is that hair
Stop that

Lauren: Grant Gustin will always be the Barry Allen of my heart but Ezra Miller you’re okay too

Sarah: Why can Aquaman control Whales?

Lauren: Hey Mark Watney
“WHALES ARE MAMMALS”

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Sarah: Why does Batman have glowy eyes?
WHY

Lauren: It would seem he is wearing the Christian Bale Invisible Voice Modulator

Sarah: Or is it the Oliver Queen version?

Lauren: Both
RANDOM EXPLOSIONS

Sarah: Honestly there can never be too many explosions in an action movie for me

Lauren: I don’t care how Bat-tastic you are, you should be dead now, Bruce

Sarah: It is his Ultimate Bat Armor that is saving him now

Lauren: “If I wanted it, you’d be dead already” says the guy who just dropped the human from the equivalent of a four-story building
Are the glowy eyes MAGIC
OOOOOOH SNAP
SUDDENLY BATS V SUPES IS A FAIR FIGHT
(because Kryptonite gas or somesuch)

Sarah: Is it a fair fight though?
Really?
I feel like the Bat Armor has the advantage here

Lauren: (it is finally the fart Supes has been smelling for the whole movie, COME TO COLLECT ITS DUE)

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Sarah: HOW DO WE STILL HAVE FORTY FIVE MINUTES LEFT IN THIS MOVIE

Lauren: I…think they still have to work together to defeat Lex Luthor?
Or something?

Sarah: Ohhhhh with Wonder Woman
Because we have yet to see her in her costume
For her five minutes of glory

Lauren: Yeah you know I don’t actually even care that Bats used kryptonite gas, it still just feels like playing dirty when Superman throws him around like a rag doll
KITCHEN SINK

Sarah: Is he…throwing a sink at him?

Lauren: HE IS HITTING HIM
WITH A LITERAL
KITCHEN SINK

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Sarah: He IS
Wooooooooow

Lauren: ZACK SNYDER: MASTER OF SUBTLETY
And that’s…it? Bats throws Supes off a balcony, The End?
(Yes I shall insist on calling them Bats and Supes for this entire movie and YOU CAN’T STOP ME)

Sarah: A very high balcony
Oh wait, nope
Now he’s swinging him around like a toy

Lauren: It really irritates me that Bats uses an Invisible Voice Modulator
Like I can see your mouth, there is nothing on it, what is happening

Sarah: Future Tech
The future is invisible

Lauren: This helicopter is called the “Chopper Hopper”
I don’t know why
Also Lois is here now, and I also don’t know why

Sarah: Because Reasons

Lauren: WAIT HERE IT IS

Sarah: THE SHARED MARTHAS
THAT CONNECTS THEM

Lauren: YOUR MOMS HAVE THE SAME NAME
NOW YOU CAN BE FRIENDS

Sarah: UNBREAKABLE BONDS

Lauren: SAVE MARTHA
YOU ARE UNITED IN YOUR PURPOSE
BFFS FOREVERRRRRRRRRRRRR
NO TWO WOMEN HAVE EVER BEEN NAMED MARTHA BEFORRRRRRRRRE
“WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME”

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Sarah: Oh Look IT’S LOIS’ TURN TO SAVE A DUDE
ABOUT DAMN TIME

Lauren: Because until Lois pointed it out Bruce thought Martha Wayne was LITERALLY THE ONLY MARTHA IN THE ENTIRE WORLD
I…had thought the Honest Trailer was exaggerating but nope, it really was that ridiculous

Sarah: Well damn

Lauren: I kind of wish Clark had freaked out when Batman cut him like he does in every iteration of the character when he gets injured
Like “is this blood WHAAAAAAAAT”
“I DON’T BLEEEEEEEEED”

Sarah: WHAT IS THIS MORTAL WEAKNESS

Lauren: But he was all stoic and boring because Zack Snyder

Sarah: Batman has all the toys because he’s a billionaire

Lauren: I would like to state for the record that I think Batfleck is doing a really good job in this ridiculous movie

Sarah: He is my second favorite part of this ridiculous movie
Jeremy Irons is first
Because you can never be too prepared

Lauren: Ohhhhh okay so THIS is the part with all the murder that people were upset about

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(guys Batman has always been kind of murdery)
(I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it is true)

Sarah: It IS a lot of murder
He doesn’t usually straight up kill people, he tends to just knock them out
Or so we are lead to believe
We could have been mislead

Lauren: (I mean maybe not this much, but Batman has killed people since…a while ago)
Curse you Jesse Eisenberg for making me think “Martha Martha Martha” in the Marcia Brady voice every time she is on screen
MORE EGG TIMERS

Sarah: WHY SO MANY

Lauren: The egg timer gets billing in this movie right under Jesse Eisenberg
Henry Cavill, Batfleck, Jesse Eisenberg, Egg Timer, Amy Adams, Gal Gadot
(I’m just assuming Zack Snyder puts the ladies after the egg timer?)

Sarah: That seems like a reasonable assumption for Snyder
That is not what the White Rabbit says
Also Lex is confusing his white rabbits
The one from Alice in Wonderland is NOT the same as the Trix Rabbit
Oh hello Anderson Cooper
I adore you

Lauren: Anderson Cooper who bribed you to be in this movie
This is the third polka dot shirt Lex has worn
Wait
We are introducing Doomsday NOW?!?!
THERE ARE ONLY THIRTY MINUTES LEFT

Sarah: Did Luthor make an ORC?
Because it looks like he made an Orc
Where is Mordor? Where are Sam and Frodo?

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Lauren: WHY ARE WE BRINGING IN SUCH A MAJOR VILLAIN NOW

Sarah: This is a bullshit time to introduce Doomsday
He deserves a full movie at the very least

Lauren: DOOMSDAY IS NOT A “FINAL THIRTY MINUTES” VILLAIN
Also why is Doomsday a naked orc
Why…so many of the decisions happening right now
Oh. OH. We’re gonna get Wonder Woman.
FINALLY

Sarah: IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Lauren: Wait are they seriously going to shoehorn the Death of Superman into the last few minutes of this movie
Is this a thing that’s about to happen

Sarah: I…… I don’t think so
But maybe?

Lauren: “One casualty. Superman”
+ Doomsday
= Death of Superman
I’m calling it
It’s about to happen
And it’s gonna be STUPID

Sarah: I feel like that can’t happen with JLA upcoming
BUT OKAY MAYBE IT IS

Lauren: MARK MY WORDS
(still not okay with Doomsday being an orc?)

Sarah: Okay but that part still feels true

Lauren: DEATH OF SUPERMAN
TOTALLY JUST HAPPENED

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Sarah: Uhhhhhhh okay so the Death of Superman JUST HAPPENED
THS IS NOT A DRILL

Lauren: I CANNOT BELIEVE WE JUST CRAMMED THAT INTO THE END OF THIS MOVIE

Sarah: IS IT REALLY THAT UNBELIEVABLE?
I MEAN SERIOUSLY 
THIS IS ZACK SNYDER

Lauren: ZACK SNYDER WHAT ON EARTH
THAT IS AN ENTIRE MOVIE

Sarah: Unacceptable use of the word penetrate

pp

Lauren: Okay so how are we bringing Superman back to life in the last ten minutes of this movie because you know we are

Sarah: Maybe he’s not dead-dead, just frozen?
Like Cap
WHOMP THERE IT IS

Lauren: Oh. Oh so he’s just going to….resurrect
Just…for reasons
HE WAS MUMMIFIED

Sarah: HELLO WONDER WOMAN
LIGHT OF MY LIFE

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Lauren: But now he’s fine, it’s fine, EVERYTHING IS FINE
I knew they said we didn’t get much Wonder Woman in this movie but I had honestly assumed it would be more than just the LAST TEN MINUTES

Sarah: Batfeck sent Lois to get the weapon?
REALLY?
This won’t end well.

Lauren: Diana, you deserved better than this
I’m sorry on behalf of humanity

Sarah: She will get better than this in HER OWN MOVIE NEXT YEAR
Which is more than we deserve honestly

Lauren: (why is she FRONT AND CENTER on the DVD of BvS when she’s only Wonder Woman in the last ten minutes)
(This score is honestly so great I’m kind of mad at it)

Sarah: WONDER WOMAN IS MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS WHOLE MOVIE
NO QUESTION
I TAKE BACK ALL PREVIOUS STATEMENTS

Lauren: IN THE LAST TEN MINUTES
WHY HAVE WE PACKED EVERY WORTHWHILE THING INTO THE END

Sarah: SHE BROKE A CAR IN HALF WITH HER SHIELD

Lauren: Oh look Lois needs to be rescued again
Someone rescue Lois
yawn

Sarah: Oh look, Supes to the rescue
AGAIN
(to be fair that is kinda his job description)

Lauren: If we hadn’t already consumed so much wine I would say we should’ve made an “a man saves Lois Lane” drinking game

Sarah: Internet, that might have killed us

Lauren: I’m really kind of upset on behalf of Doomsday that this is the version of him that made it to film

Sarah: He deserved so much better than this
Whhhyyy did they make Doomsday a mindless Orc?
Who let Zack Snyder get his hands on Doosmday?

Lauren: I DON’T KNOW, HE IS ONE OF THE MAIN SUPERMAN VILLAINS, THIS IS A PROBLEM FOR ME

Sarah: At least Supes is the one to take him down?
That is but a small consolation

Lauren: So, things this movie has done well: Batman, Wonder Woman (for ten minutes), the score… uh…
That One Cameo Of Momoa

Sarah: Alfred

Lauren: Wait DEATH OF SUPERMAN FOR REAL
AGAIN

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Sarah: OR IS IT

Lauren: No this is the comic imagery
It’s DEFINITELY IT
THEY ARE DOING THE THING
“hey I’ve died twiiiiiice”

Sarah: IT IS AN EPISODE OF BUFFY

Lauren: I KNEW IT
So now they’ve got to resurrect him AGAIN
Or he could stay dead so he doesn’t ruin the Justice League movie
Just a thought

Sarah: Thaaaaaat is the most tempting option for me

Lauren: Superman is the worst part of these movies (and I love Superman)
Wait so Lex Luthor is bald because of PRISON?

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THAT IS NOT HIS ORIGIN STORY

Sarah: IT IS NOW
THIS IS YOUR LEX NOW

Lauren: NO
ZACK SNYDER WHAT
Ughhhhhhh I think what we’ve learned from this is that I just can’t be friends with Zack Snyder

Sarah: POST DEATH ENGAGEMENT
THAT’S A THING NOW

Lauren: How are there two funerals
What is happening

Sarah: So the real funeral is in Smallville and an empty casket is in Washington?
Is that what’s happening here?
WHERE ARE THE BAGPIPES?

Lauren: (“What is happening” is, I think, a consistent theme of this movie)
I can’t even be sad for this part because you know he’s coming back
And also this version of Superman is The Worst
(which is sad, I love Henry Cavill and think he would’ve been a great Supes under… different circumstances)

Sarah: And there’s Bruce, brooding in the distance
Sooooooo Bruce forms the Justice League to avenge Supes?
Really?

Lauren: I…guess?
“You were my worst enemy but ALSO MY BEST FRIEND”

Sarah: Oooookay?
But they literally never spoke as friends.

Lauren: “If you seek his monument look around you” what is that even supposed to mean
Like look around you because there are aliens everywhere or mass murderers orrrrrrrr
I love Jesse Eisenberg but I’m kind of sad his scheming did not amount to more in this movie

Sarah: He IS bald because prison
because that makes sense
(it doesn’t make sense)

Lauren: I KNOW I don’t like it
Since when is Lex just crazy
that’s never been his MO
That is the realm of Batman villains

Sarah: Yeeeeeaaahhhh, I don’t know what’s happening
Lex is supposed to be SUPER SMART AND CALCULATING
A Slytherin to his core
Batman’s villains are mostly batshit Gryffindors

Lauren: Petition to bring back Michael Rosenbaum
I honestly love Lex Luthor? And Jesse Eisenberg, but his take on Lex was just…weird
This was not the classic Lex
Which I guess makes sense considering this was The Worst Superman?

Sarah: OH HELLO FORESHADOWING
….and we’re done
I’m not sure how I feel
It was weird
And not good
but I loved Wonder Woman?

Lauren: THAT MOVIE WAS VERY STRANGE
Like I didn’t hate it but also I’m glad I had The Wines

Sarah: And I’m kinda excited for Justice League because of the trailer?
But not because of this movie
At all.

Lauren: I AM EXCITED FOR JUSTICE LEAGUE but more in spite of this movie than because of it
I agree with the commentary that says that this was a good Batman movie wrapped up in a bad Superman movie
(wrapped up in a ridiculous Zack Snyder movie)
I am also glad I didn’t see it in theaters

Sarah: I am also glad for that
And for the wine

Lauren: Wine: Redeeming Bad Movies Since Forever

wine-alicia

3 thoughts on “In Which Lauren & Sarah Reluctantly Watch “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice”

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